Most of us have said, ?I should have handled that better,? more than once about the same kind of situation.

We interrupt someone, realize we?ve done it again, and apologize. Or we get defensive over a suggestion that wasn?t meant as an attack. Later, when we?ve calmed down, we can see what happened pretty clearly.

Then a few days later, we do it again.

That?s frustrating, especially when we know better. But knowing what needs work doesn?t mean we?ve practiced responding differently. We can understand a habit perfectly and still give it plenty of exercise.

When an explanation becomes an excuse

By adulthood, we?ve usually developed explanations for the way we behave. Some are reasonable. We may have grown up in a family where interrupting was the only way to get a word in. Perhaps asking for help once brought criticism, so we learned to handle everything ourselves.

Understanding that history can help. It gives us somewhere to begin.

The trouble starts when we use the explanation to close the subject. ?I?ve always been this way? doesn?t leave much room to consider what our behavior is costing us now.

If people regularly stop talking because we jump in, our enthusiasm probably isn?t what they remember about the conversation. If we argue with every suggestion, eventually people may decide it isn?t worth offering one.

We might not intend either result. We still need to pay attention to it.

Give yourself something specific to practice

?Become a better person? is a fine intention, but it doesn?t give you much direction on a Tuesday afternoon.

Suppose you want to become less defensive. Where does that usually show up?

Maybe someone points out a mistake, and you immediately begin explaining why it happened. Before they?ve finished, you?re already presenting your case.

There?s a place to practice.

The next time it happens, let the person finish. Ask a question if you need to understand what they mean. Give yourself a moment to consider the information before responding.

You can still disagree. You can explain circumstances they may not know about. The point is to give yourself enough room to decide whether an explanation is even necessary.

That?s a manageable thing to work on. You?ll have a much clearer idea of whether you tried it than whether you were simply ?better? today.

Expect to catch yourself late at first

You may remember what you intended to do halfway through your explanation. Or an hour after the conversation ends.

That doesn?t make the effort useless.

If you notice it afterward, you can go back and say, ?I got busy defending myself and didn?t really consider what you were telling me.? Then give the conversation another chance.

There?s some discomfort in doing that. Most of us would prefer to improve without having to admit anything out loud. Unfortunately, the other person was there for the original performance.

As you keep practicing, you may begin noticing the reaction while it?s happening. That gives you an opportunity to stop before you?ve said everything you?ll wish you hadn?t.

Pay attention to those moments. They?re easy to dismiss because you haven?t completely changed the habit yet.

Make use of what you notice

At the end of the day, think about one situation where the habit showed up. What was happening just before you reacted? Were you feeling rushed? Did you assume the person was questioning your ability?

You?re looking for something useful, not preparing a case against yourself.

Perhaps you need to ask what someone means instead of assuming you know. Maybe a difficult conversation would go better if you put your phone down and gave it your attention. What you notice can help you choose what to try next.

A book can give you an idea you hadn?t considered. Someone you trust may help you recognize something you?ve been missing. But eventually, you?ll be back in an ordinary conversation with an opportunity to use what you learned.

Choose one habit worth working on this week. Give yourself a specific response to practice when it shows up, and be willing to make another attempt when you miss it.

Getting older will take care of itself. This part needs your participation.